All you can do

April 30, 2010 Leave a comment

What's wrong?The last couple of days my mood has been bobbing up and down a bit. The highs have been moderate but predominant (southwesterly in the frontal lobe), the lows have been short-lived but unexpected. Yesterday I had an episode that involved feeling perplexion, humiliation and irritation all flat-packed into one compact emotion. Throughout the afternoon, a bitterness lingered like pins and needles, even though I had forgotten most of what had caused the original feeling (there comes the perplexion again – “why do these things happen to me?”). As I couldn’t find a way to shake it off, I grew more and more agitated, still clueless as to the why and the how.

Later on in the day, a ray of sunshine (both literal and figurative) left me feeling cool and contented, because everything was alright after all. For some reason, I just started smiling, on the bus home. Looking out of the window at the same old streets, I had just finished ruminating the day’s fresh events. It occurred to me, as it often has on previous occasions, that laughter is the best thing ever. It’s all we can do in the face of absurdity. It’s the only thing that will make things better, as laughter can never be bad (no, evil cackles don’t count). Good, honest abandonment and escapism. Acceptance and “what the heck”. There is always a smile and a (luke)warm feeling to be dug out of every situation.

Sometimes, though, a bit more digging is needed.

And sometimes, no matter how much you dig and how many laughs you find along the way, you won’t be at ease until you’ve unearthed the root you stumbled over in the first place.

Make any sense?

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Scattered

April 28, 2010 Leave a comment

Mad as a hatter,

I’m not ideal

Or anything like it,

For that matter.

Who knows where one day

These scattered thoughts may converge

Or part ways forever,

Dispersing through the cosmos.

Meaningless, they are after all.

Only by fighting like a mule

Can I try to stop their fall.

By giving them some sense

Even if I know they’ve none

At all! Alas, I crawl

Into the cave of ignorance

Where I do not want to stay.

I was born under the sun

(Albeit a weakling one)

And I shall not be allowed to regress,

Day by day, into the shadows

Where so many lay, and lie.

Let the battle commence, let it rage

Against the beast that lurks unscathed

The hideous insidious, hated heathen

Guardian of the feeble reservations

(Mine is fear).

Categories: Poetry Tags: , , ,

Letting go

April 25, 2010 1 comment

Do not let obsession

Ruin the flow of the mo’,

Keep doing what you know that you know

And go along with the rolling

Of whatever stone that you’ve thrown.

Instructions and orders without borders,

Too many and your mind will just blow.

Allow, control, remove the mould

And the hold that restricts the goal.

Just one goal, one hope,

Anything else is a load

To the senses and the sense of a self,

To the matter in the brain

And its endless end of cells.

To uphold a vision, beware, the envision

Is a mould and a boulder in a door.

Instead of the moan, the loneliness,

Let the demon enter and escape.

Envision the dream then let it go

Through the open door of a senseless self.

Accountability (I’ll procrastinate later)

April 25, 2010 Leave a comment

The idea of this blog is simple. It is about ending my pathetic penchant for procrastination and forcing me to do what I really really want to do: write.

For years I have known that I love to write, and I’ve scribbled or typed little bits now and then, sometimes randomly, sometimes moved by particular episodes of rage, sadness or confusion. But never by fear, because although fear is always within me, it is the very thing that is holding me back from writing as often as I should. Fear of being imperfect, fear of wasting my time, of writing worthless drivel, of never reaching to the depth of the matter. It is the reason I procrastinate on so many things in my life. I have “written” more words in my mind, in idle fantasy, than I have actually laid down on paper or on screen, planning endless stories, poems and even entire novels that I would one day (just not today) surely write.

Now I’m fed up with that. I want to actually do it, not just think about doing it. At this point I don’t care if everything I write is crap, or even unintelligible, I just need to: a) get started and b) keep going. Writing in a blog is thus an attempt to give myself some accountability, in the sense that I’d better write something regularly because if I don’t, if just one person reads it and realises that I haven’t been posting anything for a while, then the losses are (supposedly) greater than if my failure remains between myself and yours truly. Ultimately and above all, developing a writing habit is my attempt – no, struggle – to end the gradual descent into meaninglessness that my daily life has initiated as a result of my fear-driven avoidance of anything that requires the slightest bit of effort.

I’m just going to post my musings and modest creations here as often as I can. Needless to say, I welcome any comments and feedback and if I don’t post at least once a week — shame on me!

Categories: Uncategorized